It’s a few days before my second round of treatment and I’m noticing my hair is starting to not just “shed” but actually start to fall out in bigger sized chunks. It was driving me crazy, so I text my husband that I want to cut my hair short and he agrees to do it after work. I wasn’t nervous during this part at all I honestly love having short hair and I thought this cut would be cute for the next few months. (Little did I know).
A few days after my second treatment my hair starts to really fall out. It was to the point where you could start to see my scalp and how thin my hair was becoming. You would think it the grand scheme of things you would just pull yourself together and immediately say “It’s just hair, it’ll grow back” but those aren’t the first initial feelings you have. All I could think of was “I don’t know who I am without my hair.” Hair is a huge part of how we express and identify ourselves. I immediately regretted all the times I complained about how thick it was, or how curly, or how long. The hardest part for me was how fast everything started happening, and I honestly thought I had more time. I was wrong…Not only did it start to fall out at rapid speed, it started to become so matted that I had two giant dreads forming and the next day they became one huge dread. You would think I could attempt to sit there and brush it out as long as I’m gentle, but that’s not the case because at this point theres so much more scalp seen then hair that I know what my next step is, and I’m not thrilled about it.
I tell my husband that today is the day, and to bring his clippers home. He comes home and I am just an emotional mess. This has been the most heartbreaking part of this experience, and it’s not the actual hair loss that gets to me. I especially couldn’t have gotten through this without my husband. He tells me “It’s okay to cry over this, it’s a big deal and you don’t have to pretend it’s not a big deal” It was then I realized that I had every right to be upset and cry over losing such a big part of who I am, and a big part of what makes us feel like us. I start to cry again because I know shaving my head has to be done, and I have to take back control of my fight against this cancer. After my head is shaved I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel this way because I know shaving my head was going to be the hardest part. Side effects can be handled with medications, and sitting through chemo is easy, but shaving your head takes a mental toll on you. In my opinion the day I shaved my head was the day it became extremely “real” to me. It became real because not only am I going through chemotherapy, but I officially “look” like a cancer patient now. To me that was the hardest part.
The morning after shaving my head my husband and I decide to go to the Wig Cottage to look for a potential wig. We get there and it’s this cute little place with an abundance of wigs, head wraps, hats, and basically anything I could never need for my new look. We start to look around and immediately my husband goes for this long beautiful platinum wig that has a little bit of a purple hue to it. We grab that one to try one and a few other blonde ones with different styles, and lengths. The women who run that store are completely amazing and made my experience a great one. After trying on a few different ones I decide to go with the blonde/purple long haired wig. I went with this one because it felt liberating to me. It felt as if I was stronger than I was before with this gorgeous wig, so I knew I had to have it. I also got a few new head wraps for my “lazy” days, and I’m starting to feel as if I never needed all my hair in the first place.
Until Next Time
XOXO Bechtold Badass