Welcome to 2019 Badasses! We did it! We made it through hell and back (also known as 2018) A lot has happened since my last post, but I’m happy to report about 99% of everything has been positive. I am officially done with chemo and I have my follow up appointment on January 21st. After that I will officially have my PET scan scheduled and hopefully I will hear the words”you are in remission.” If I learned anything last year it’s that things might not go the way you wanted them to or the way you think they should, no things go exactly the way they are supposed to whether we like it or not. I have also learned to accept things that are out of my control because there is no point in stressing myself out over things I simply cannot change. For instance my “chemo day” was always on Wednesdays and for 11 rounds it never changed, but because of a flooding at the Cancer Center and the holidays I was forced to change my very last chemo appointment to a Friday. I know those of you who aren’t going through this are thinking “doesn’t that give you two extra days of feeling good.” Well, the answer is yes, but the response for us is more frustration. Frustration of planning your life around your chemo schedule, and literally mentally preparing yourself each and every time you have chemo. So, when that gets changed you feel like you are having something yet again taken away without having any say. Needless to say I ended up getting over it because I was being a little dramatic and it was ONLY two days, and I was able to rest those two days after the holidays.
Besides the fact that I didn’t know hardly any of the nurses during Round 12 (apparently they’re off on Fridays) it wasn’t has traumatic and emotional as I thought it would be. Until my husband completely surprised me and showed up as I was about done. The reason this was so emotional for me was because of the fact that before he started school he came to every single appointment and chemo round, but that all changed when he started school so it was the perfect surprise. I knew coming out of the chemo coma this time around would be more difficult than it usually is for a couple different reasons. One being the fact that my body was so used to Wednesday’s that mentally I had to retrain myself and the second being the fact that this was the last one and I was so mentally and emotionally done that I knew I would try to “rush” out of the chemo coma without actually being out of the coma (if that makes any sense).
Lets just say for the next 2 weeks I was nothing but an emotional mess. For all my supporters out there please remember this. Just because a cancer patient finishes chemo and hears the words “in remission” We are still far far far from “back to normal.” Yes, we are officially done being poisoned by the drugs that also saved our lives, but mentally, emotionally, and psychically we have no clue who or what the hell we are. It has been 2 weeks since my last round and the amount of pain I am still in is unbearable at times. Not to mention the completely confusing identity crisis I now have, and beginning to speak about my cancer in past tense. The easiest way I can think to describe my current state of mind is like when you are in a toxic relationship for a long period of time and you finally decide to leave. Well that relationship was a part of you and your everyday life for so long and it consumed you, and now all the sudden you have to live without it which means re finding yourself and learning who you are without it. It will ALWAYS be apart of you, but it no longer consumes you. It is a very confusing place to be mentally, but the feeling of getting a second chance at life definitely out weighs any negative feeling I’ve ever felt, and that’s what you must always focus on. The light is ALWAYS there and sometimes you just have to look harder to find it.
After about 3 failed vacations in 2018 I started 2019 perfectly with 2 of my absolute favorite people in the entire world. My husband and my best friend. It was the most perfect birthday weekend I could have ever asked for. I cried about 15 times because I felt as if my new life I had been waiting so long for had finally arrived with open arms. Every single part of this weekend was eyeopening and perfect. From the tears rolling down my face while I felt the sand between my toes. The adrenaline I felt from the waves hitting my feet and legs, and the burst of high I felt as I took my wig off and felt the water completely cover half of my body. It was truly empowering. These two are some of the most amazing individuals with the most beautiful souls. They made sure I had everything I wanted and more.
Disneyland was absolute perfection, and although my body is 100000% sore and in pain it was all worth it. I will say this…I did experience for the first time a very defensive moment about me having cancer. This was the first Disneyland trip I had ever had being “different” and boy did that get me some attention (not needed or wanted.) The short version of the story is we boarded the “handicapped” trolley and we made one mom very angry. The cart we were in also had a woman in a wheel chair with her daughter. The mom on the cart next to us tries to get the attention of the employee and fails (she’s just cranky honestly) so my husband being the nice person he is gets the guy’s attention for her (well that was our first mistake) She then tells him that she needs our cart to hold her stroller and the employee tells her no this cart has a wheel chair so we cannot put your stroller with her wheelchair. She didn’t like that answer so she takes it out on us. “Well I thought this was for strollers, and not for “normal” people who can sit anywhere in the cart.” If this was the old me she would have literally regretted ever saying ANYTHING like that to us ever, but I simply said “actually this is the handicapped section.” Well she didn’t like that either. So she decides to have her husband go tattle on us for being in handicapped (which I AM and have a sticker to prove it) then when her husband gets no results she goes to the guy herself and he tells her ma’am they have a handicap sticker. As were leaving the trolley I can just feel the anger coming from her and her husband and I just don’t understand. Why are you so focused on me and where I’m sitting when you are literally at the happiest place on Earth with your family and you’re being an absolute asshole in front of your kids before you even get to the park. The moral of the story is yes I “look” fine, yes I have “hair” and makeup on, but you know absolutely NOTHING about me and my disability so how dare you question or judge me. Just because someone looks a certain way doesn’t mean they aren’t fighting for their life. I am an extremely happy and positive person coming out of this experience, but don’t for one second think I still don’t struggle everyday because I do.
Everyone is fighting battles we know nothing about. SO sit down and humble yourself this year. BE KIND. BE SUPPORTIVE. ASPIRE TO INSPIRE. Be the light at the end of the tunnel for someone. Try to be more understanding of why someone maybe acting or treating you some way. Don’t post petty subliminal messages on social media. TALK ABOUT IT. We as humans are not mind readers so if you’re upset with someone just tell them. Ask yourself is it worth losing this person? If that person is toxic then remove them, but holding a grudge only hurts you.
Forgiveness is 100% more for you than the other person (remember that)
Thank you for sticking around for this very long post!
Until Next Time,
XOXO Bechtold Badass