Well, welcome back Badasses
I could post an inspirational quote about this I could come up with some creative fluff, but for this post I refuse to do that. As many of you I’m sure have already heard I did not get the news we’ve all been praying for. Mr. Hodgkin’s is back (for a temporary visit) but he’s more stubborn than ever. It’s okay, he’ll learn the hard way who I am. I will have to undergo chemotherapy yet again, but this time a lower dose at first. I will then be going to USC to do a stem cell transplant; for those of you who are like WHAT? (because same) this is for you.
Stem cell transplantation: The use of stem cells as a treatment for cancer or other illness. The stem cells are removed (or obtained from a donor) first. Before the transplant is done, the patient receives high-dose chemotherapy and/or radiation therapy to destroy diseased cells.
Unfortunately for me Nevada does not offer this and I have to travel to California to receive it. Fortunately though I will be able to use my own stem cells and I will not need a donor. So YAY for silver linings.
Now that we’ve covered that I want to talk about some really serious topics that I don’t feel anyone talks about, and if they do they’re sure not talking about it enough.
I see hundreds of pages a day, yes hundreds I have a lot of time on my hands okay (don’t judge). I follow the hashtags #hodgkinslymphoma #cancerwarrior #noonefightsalone and many more. To me a hashtag no longer represents something just to get that double tap on a heart. To me it has been the way I have found and connected with SO many people who are fighting battles of their own. Battles they feel alone in or feel as if no one understands. These hashtags are creating awareness but we need more! We also need more vulnerability and understanding. Because let’s be clear about something what you see on social media is the perception of what people want you to see. Life isn’t always positivity, sunshine, and rainbows. No it’s hard it’s really fucking hard and so many times we are forced to do things we don’t want to do but we have to do for what ever the reason may be. I am about to share things with you that I’ve honestly only talked to a few people about, but everyone who goes through something ESPECIALLY cancer has a right to feel each and every feeling you are feeling.
In the past two months I have taken up meditating, I have started praying like I have never prayed before. I have never been a religious person and always more spiritual, but now I am both. I have dug myself out of so many dark holes in my life and I have done it on my own. Depression and anxiety run deep in my family, and I have encountered and dealt with both. So let’s say you also suffer with both of these which I know a majority of people do these days which is unfortunate. Imagine already manifesting these problems and adding the word CANCER in the mix. Sounds like the opposite of fun right? You would be correct.
No body knows this I don’t even think my husband does, but every time you see me post an Instagram photo with me and my bald head, or me and a positive quote, or me telling you not to give up. It’s because moments before that I had a complete mental breakdown about whatever was building up that day, and the second I dig myself out of that hole I feel the need to tell people it will be okay because it will be. It will be but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel pissed and angry because that’s what I am. I am grateful to be alive, I am grateful that this is a curable disease, I am grateful that I have a support system and so many things to be grateful for. But, I am also extremely angry, confused, sad, hurt, mortified, terrified, and so may other emotions I don’t even have the words for. I am angry that cancer continues to take things from me, but also gives me things back. I am pissed that two of my best friends had babies and I missed both of their showers because of chemo. I am pissed that I find this out a week before I’m supposed to go to two important weddings. I am frustrated watching all of my friends move forward to the next stages in their lives with building families, dreams, accomplishments while I can barely leave the house. I am incredibly frustrated that I worked my ass off for 2 years to earn a promotion to get cancer 2 months later. I am saddened by the fact that my family and friends have to put their brave faces on when they’re around me when all they want to do is cry with me. Crying is something I’ve become quite used to these days. I cry alone, I cry with my husband, I cry at the bar with Courtni for 3 hours (after this we’re not talking about it anymore) crying is healthy and I have every right to cry and so do you. Once you get it out and I mean get it all out for the day, and then stand the hell up and stand in front of what ever you’re crying about and own it. As my idol Rachel Hollis says “Everything doesn’t happen for a reason, but there is meaning in everything that happens.” Find that meaning and make it your bitch (sorry I’m pumped about it)
Don’t feel sorry for yourself because just as you compare yourself to those “instagram models” I compare myself to the people in the world just out there having a regular cup of coffee and enjoying time with their friends. Disappointment has become a huge part of my life, but so has gratitude and gratitude ALWAYS wins if you let it. Think your life is bad? Well, it’s true bad shit may have happened to you, but if you’re reading this you clearly got through it, so whatever it is you’ll get through that too. If you want to humble yourself follow those hashtags I mentioned before. Follow them, follow the inspirational stories of warriors of people who thrive off of little moments because little moments are what make up big moments. We don’t want to inspire you because we have cancer and are fighting it I mean if I’m being completely honest I don’t have a choice. The choice is live. It’s not a choice. We want you to be inspired by the HOW; how did we get through it, how did we stay positive, how did I impact someone’s life for the better? Think about this though these are all questions you don’t have to be diagnosed with cancer to do; it can be anything anyone goes through. Sure gossiping, comparing, negativity, blaming the world and others for your problems is the easy way. But nothing in life worth having is easy, we all know that. Don’t take the easy way. Find out the WHY? Listen to understand. Try to understand what someone is going through instead of taking it personal. I’ve learned a lot this last year and one huge lesson is that when someone is angry at you it has WAY more to do what’s going on with them than with you. Remember that.
Love you all always,
XOXO Bechtold Badass.