The last blog post I poured my heart and soul out with all the frustration I was feeling, and sadly this post won’t be any different. My heart is still broken. I still have no job, and apparently ULTA is the gift that keeps on giving and Cobra told me my insurance wouldn’t lapse if I did the necessary steps, and if you know me you know being the control freak that I am I did everything I was supposed to do, but lately it just doesn’t seem like enough.
People sometimes are so confused about why I make my journey so public, but honestly I don’t know how I could have kept it to myself. I am so frustrated and heartbroken about cancer and everything it brings to not only my table but the table of my family and loved ones. I am also an extremely humble person and cancer along with chemotherapy has become my full time job (especially now since ULTA let me go) too soon? Anyways back to the point, I know 100% for a fact that no matter how hard I have it I’ve seen people who have it worse. I’ve talked to, connected with, and met people who have it worse than I do so therefore I don’t complain and I want people to better understand what it’s like or how to be there for someone.
Which brings me to something I’ve been working on for months and I don’t really know how to describe this into words but there is nothing more frustrating than having young adult cancer and people completely forget about the fact that I am still a 27 year old woman. I can still be petty. I can still be immature. I can still be mad and angry at dumb shit. I just don’t allow it to affect me the way I used to, except for one thing. I am allowed to have normal feelings and be mad because someone’s an asshole. I am allowed to not be positive all the damn time, and so are you.
Remember in kindergarten we learned the golden rule “treat others the way you want to be treated?” Excuse my French here but what the fuck happened to that? I am so sick and tired of peoples bullshit excuses and why they can’t or haven’t been there for me. I have cancer and I’m still there for my friends and family, maybe not physically as much but I almost always reply, give advice, talk about their problems, etc. You don’t think my family and best friends have shit going on? Yet they are there for me. Life is a funny thing though. I’ve learned a lot and one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that God honestly has removed so much toxicity out of my life including people who I used to consider very close friends. He also has put people back into my life I never thought would be back. My best friends from junior high both reached out. One of which reached out to my husband to tell him how amazing it is that he’s there for me the way he is.(because it’s true and he is) She didn’t have to do that. Her and I haven’t spoken in years yet she has supported my cancer journey since the beginning. This other best friend was extremely close to me for years, has a family of her own including 2 very small children and she took the time to reach out to me, and told me she wants me to be in her and her kids lives. She most certainly didn’t have to do that either, but I’m glad she did.
I’ve been working on myself for months now and forgiveness is the main culprit. I have such a hard time understanding why people can’t be there for me the way I am for them I really don’t get it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it but there must be a reason right? We’ll go with that.
Sorry for the tangent, back to the consultation. I had to meet with a social worker today because well transplants are serious shit. She asked me about my support system and said “wow you have a lot of support that’s great.” And she’s right. I don’t know why our minds always go to the negative, or why I can only seem to focus on the one or two people who completely let me down when I have so many other outlets for support. I have my husband, my family, his family, my Lymphomie Facebook group (who are all fucking amazing by the way) my Instagram babes, my Facebook family, my blog family, and so many other people who reach out to me on the daily to make sure I’m still kicking ass and will continue to kick ass.
Here’s a tip though. If you claim you’re going to be there for someone with cancer. Be there. Don’t text once every 6 months. Don’t get mad and give up when they don’t reply after you tried literally twice. Be there. Because just like in kindergarten isn’t that what you would want? Wouldn’t you want someone to text you at your lowest lows or send you an I love you message. We remember everything and everyone who was there for us during and after our treatment. If you aren’t there for us just remember you made that choice and it’s not our responsibility to let you back into our lives.
Cancer takes enough from us from our bodies, to our hair, to our fertility, our mental stability, and basically our dignity. Don’t let it take our relationships too.
I couldn’t do the Pinterest positive fluff with this post when I have so many other emotions running through my veins, but I am hopeful I will be cured after this transplant and everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.
Thank you always and forever for always supporting me through my journey. I truly don’t know what I’d do without each and every one of you badasses.
The fight continues
XOXO Bechtold Badass