Man has it been one shit show after another but thankfully none of the bullshit that i’ve encountered even matters after the news I received on Wednesday, but let’s rewind a little bit before we get to that.
Tuesday I had a very important yet traumatizing PET Scan as most of you already know. Anyone who has had cancer or is living with cancer knows all about “scanxiety” and the thousands of emotions that come with it. Any and all scans we have are nerve-racking and honestly the days leading up to it are by far the worst days. Worse than any and all side effects simply because this scan this 20-30 minutes you spend in the machine tells our present and our future and that is a scary thing. It’s scary because you have absolutely no control over the outcome. You do the chemo or radiation or you do both, and you put in the work all for the machine to tell you whether the cancer is stubborn AF or got the boot. As all of you I’m sure know by now the last time I had one of these scans was in February and it would be the second time I’ve heard the words “you have cancer.”
Tuesday was just the beginning of this LONG and exhausting week, so I’ll get on with that. Before you can receive a Stem Cell Transplant there are a list of tests you have to go through to “qualify” the tests are: 2 different heart tests which are called EKG and an Echo, PFT which are two different lung tests, about 8 different blood tests, PET scan, and the most painful Bone Marrow Biopsy (which was my second and hopefully last one ever) All of which I was supposed to be scheduled for on Wednesday minus the PET which was Tuesday. We all know from my last blog post that scheduling those tests seemed to be a nightmare, and I’m here to report that I was 100% correct and they did NOT schedule those tests for me besides the biopsy. I said to my husband the night before “I guarantee you they did not schedule my tests, and they will have to scramble in the morning because it doesn’t make sense to schedule these tests while I’m sedated” (you have to be sedated for the bone marrow biopsy) Sure enough that’s exactly how the events unfolded.
I just wish that people in administration looked at you as more than just your co-pay. I get it the hospital needs to make money and in order to do that they have to take my money, but there’s a right way and a wrong way to do things, and cutting me off while I speak or not taking the time to actually listen to what I need to say is the wrong way. I will say this I had the best nurse I have ever had in my 10 months of going through all this shit. His name was Doug and he was just amazing. He took the time to listen to my story and to listen to all the problems I’ve had with scheduling and lack of communication and he did EVERYTHING in his power to ensure I had every single test completed that I needed to, and not only that he took it upon himself to fax over my results to my coordinator at USC. He called the director of respiratory and had them transfer a part needed for me to take my lung test so I wouldn’t have to reschedule. He gave me all I’ve ever wanted which was someone to have a sense of urgency and care about what I am going through. It is traumatizing doing all these tests, it is completely uncomfortable the amount of people that poke me with needles, and cover portions of my body with tape that takes me days to remove, and literally ask me the same questions over and over again. We definitely need more people like Doug in Nevada.
As amazing as Doug truly was, my frustration was not completely over. Why? Because once we had everything sent over to USC she calls us to let us know that part of one of the tests wasn’t completed. After a year of bullshit I break down after that phone call. I have a large dressing on my ass from my biopsy, my arm is covered in tape from the IV, I am exhausted from the last two days and all the tests and procedures, and honestly I’m just fucking tired. I cried for about 20 minutes just to let it all out because at the hospital I have to keep my shit together to get through it, but I honestly couldn’t hold it together anymore. All I wanted was to continue to watch GOT with my husband and eat food the rest of the day, but now I was forced to go back to the hospital because they can’t seem to figure out how to answer their phones. The whole ride there I don’t say one word because if I did it would have been mental breakdown part 2, and there was no time for that.
Long story short at the hospital there’s two parts to the PFT test one of which my hospital doesn’t offer (don’t ask why) and I have to go to ANOTHER hospital to get it done. Thank god for my husband because he talked to everyone and coordinated everything and I just sat there in silence waiting for it to be over. Until the manager came out and heard the story from this visit and the previous visit. She honestly asked for my feedback because apparently I’m not the first one who has dealt with this nonsense. I laid ALL my frustrations out on the table to her; from the lack of communication to some of the rude members of her staff. She apologized and gave me her card (progress is better than nothing) Finally we get my stuff scheduled for Friday and we walk out.
As were walking out Chris looks at me and says “Menchie called…..Your PET scan came back clean…There’s no cancer” I looked at him and almost dropped to the floor right there in the parking lot and just started sobbing. Now I know that I have a very LONG and hard road ahead of me but hearing those words after hearing nothing but bad news for a solid year straight I lost it. I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it. Sure I practice gratitude and affirmations on a daily basis, but it has been 10 months since I’ve heard good news. 10 months of my body completely betraying me. Chemo is working. Chemo worked, but the cancer is back. Waiting a month to be diagnosed again. Waiting. Crying. Praying. More crying. More waiting.
I have waited so long to hear those words. I have waited so long for my prayers to be answered. I prayed more and harder than I have ever prayed in my entire life. I have people who aren’t even religious praying for me. People I don’t even know praying for me, and that in itself is an extremely powerful thing. This battle may be over but there’s another one right around the corner. I will fight and pray and fight some more until the war is completely over and the cancer is gone for good. Honestly I am SO grateful to finally be able to write a blog with some good news and not bad news after bad news. Everything bad that has happened doesn’t compare to the greatness that came from those words and that phone call. Every victory counts no matter the size. After starting ICE and how I felt after the first round I have never been so scared in my entire life. After hearing I might never be able to have kids I have never been so heartbroken, but the other day while watching one of my guilty pleasures Very Cavallari they were talking about fertility and one of the women who struggled for years said “if you want to be a mom, you will be. It doesn’t matter how it has to happen if you want it, it will happen.” and that’s what I starting telling myself every day.
My dreams are MY dreams and after all this bullshit is said and done I will never let anything get in the way of any dream I have for myself no matter how big or small it may be again. Let’s face it, if I can do this, if I can kick cancer right in the ass I can do anything.
XOXO Bechtold Badass